When Fucking Could Kill You

{dedicated to the spirit of DAVID STUART, much loved and respected campaigner promoting well-being and health in the LGBTQ+ community, who parted from his body, January 2022}

When I came out fucking could kill you

so condoms became our tool of protection,

though you often heard guys complaining

that the rubber ruined their erection.

When I came out AIDS stalked the land,

fear was written on the face of each gay man

that I saw out cruising, reflecting back to me

that yes we were scared, but we were happy to be free.

When I came out gay men were dying

from a big disease with a little name

and nowadays gay boys are still falling victim

to the after effects of centuries of imposed guilt and shame.

Guys seeking pleasure, love, connections

through crystal meth and viagra erections:

it can wear out the soul, leave a big gaping hole

in our happiness, our wholeness, our health…

For although we may think we are free,

gay men have not healed our history.

What we do was never an abomination

it was a pagan form of salvation.

In ancient temples queers were the holy ones,

people came for our erotic blessing

but religion limited us to sodomites

and psychology sees us simply as sexual.

The Christian Fathers hated all sexual acts

that did not lead to childbirth

they railed against the pagan orgies

I think they were jealous old men.

Gay love, once honoured in the ancient world

took to the shadows, hid in the monasteries,

became riddled with guilt, burdened by shame

but never went away, the eternal spirit of gay

is here to connect the worlds.

Nowadays proud bottoms galore

come knocking at my cyber door

so much booty in my inbox

no more afraid of a deadly pox.

Positive guys undetectable, negative guys on prep

the feast of homosexuality is underway once more

and all the lessons of the 80s-90s

pretty much being ignored.

Men go from house to house, from arse to arse, dick to dick

no time to check if any of those men made them sick,

When I came out fucking could kill you.

So I came to see the fuck as the prize,

now there are so many butts to behold:

how can I satisfy all these guys?

I certainly can’t give them all my healing touch,

don’t like to tell them I find it a bit much

that they want to be fucked by a stranger and receive his essence

directly inside them, I feel there’s a deeper agenda to be reached.

I think the gay scene needs to find a way for us to teach

each other that gay love can connect body, mind and heart

to the flow of eternity and the presence of the old gods,

that gay sex is a spiritual art.

Two men can unite and fill the world with light.

The longing to be filled is a longing for something more

than a penis can ever provide,

it’s a longing for union, with another, within ourselves,

to unlock the power that can take us to heaven

and lift the whole world out of the many hells

that people have driven themselves into.

Heaven and hell both are found in the mind;

we are the gatekeepers with keys to find

that unlock the door to the higher levels

of life, of mind, of love:

but to access the gates we need to claim our own worth,

then the memory will come:

it seems we know instinctively

the gates are somehow accessed through the bum,

but we don’t know what we’re looking for

in this consumer age so full of rage,

we were lied to by religion and blinded by science:

it’s left to us to find out and remember

where in the world we belong.

When I came out fucking could kill you

but I believe it could wake us up to who we have always been

if we do it with love and awareness,

if we heal from the hatred thrown at us

and learn our own history.

This poem is dedicated to the spirit of DAVID STUART, much loved and respected campaigner promoting well-being and health in the LGBTQ+ community, who parted from his body, January 2022:

“His empathy and kindness saved lives and inspired so many. He changed for the better, the landscape of sexual health, addiction and recovery for gay, bi and queer men in London. He spoke out to acknowledge and address chemsex addiction in the community, at a time when many others would not. He fought and campaigned for the community, championing PrEP, U=U and trans rights. He called out racism and stigma against HIV within the community. He encouraged gay men to be kinder to each other.” Simon Marks.

Published by shokti

i am shokti, lovestar of the eurofaeries, aka marco queer magician of london town. i explore the links between our sexual-physical nature and our spirits, running gatherings, rituals and Queer Spirit Festival. i woke up to my part in the accelerating awakening of light love and awareness on planet earth during a shamanic death-and-rebirth process lasting from January 1995 to the year 2000, and offer here my insights and observations on the ongoing transformation of human consciousness, how to navigate the waves of change, and especially focusing on the role of queer people at this time.

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